This morning I had a really really strange dream where I was extremely depressed and utterly convinced I would commit suicide. I felt that my life had just completely went awry, and that it was time to end it and restartthe whole thing, if that was at all possible. It then occurred to me that when I committed this final act, I wanted to do it right. So I went to my laptop and began to google "how to commit suicide".
Before I finished writing the letters, I realised that if I googled that, I would probably be hammered with hundreds of ads for help lines, and that I would have to call one of them... because, seriously, those people are angels, they aren't charging anything, and wouldn't anyone want to speak to at least one other human and check in before leaving this world?
With that realisation, I started to think other things. Such as, first: maybe there isn't a restart button for life. Maybe if we choose to end this life, that's it, and our soul is send to the great landfill in the sky. Maybe this one life is the only one we get, and it is a gift to be cherished.
Second, I thought, if I am desperate enough to consider ending this alltogether, then really, what do I have to lose? What could be worse than death? If I'm thinking of ending it, then literally, I can do ANYTHING. Am I depressed about a delinquent credit card bill? Past due taxes? I can throw those bills right out the window! I won't be the first person on this earth to die with a negative net worth. And really, is that what I will be judged by, upon my exit?
So somehow, with this odd dream, I awoke with both subtle terror and grand hope.
I awoke, in fact, in a very strange and utterly luxurious hotel room, the bright sun reflecting up onto the ceiling, thinking,
THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW LIFE!
Before I finished writing the letters, I realised that if I googled that, I would probably be hammered with hundreds of ads for help lines, and that I would have to call one of them... because, seriously, those people are angels, they aren't charging anything, and wouldn't anyone want to speak to at least one other human and check in before leaving this world?With that realisation, I started to think other things. Such as, first: maybe there isn't a restart button for life. Maybe if we choose to end this life, that's it, and our soul is send to the great landfill in the sky. Maybe this one life is the only one we get, and it is a gift to be cherished.
Second, I thought, if I am desperate enough to consider ending this alltogether, then really, what do I have to lose? What could be worse than death? If I'm thinking of ending it, then literally, I can do ANYTHING. Am I depressed about a delinquent credit card bill? Past due taxes? I can throw those bills right out the window! I won't be the first person on this earth to die with a negative net worth. And really, is that what I will be judged by, upon my exit?
So somehow, with this odd dream, I awoke with both subtle terror and grand hope.
I awoke, in fact, in a very strange and utterly luxurious hotel room, the bright sun reflecting up onto the ceiling, thinking,
THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW LIFE!
